


panicked, even though you're here

by smartbuckley



Series: Buddie Tumblr Prompts [12]
Category: 9-1-1 (TV)
Genre: Established Relationship, Flashbacks, M/M, Panic Attacks, Slight Disassociation
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-11-19
Updated: 2019-11-19
Packaged: 2021-02-13 08:16:07
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,450
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21491200
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/smartbuckley/pseuds/smartbuckley
Summary: From the following prompt:Buck Prompt: Buck finds it hard to say that he’s in pain, even more so when it is emotional pain. But it has become harder since the dropped lawsuit and his return to the 118, so he just says nothing. Who will care to listen anyway? It’s not until after a call when they are heading back that bUck has a panic attack and the team realizes that he needs them more than ever
Relationships: Evan "Buck" Buckley/Eddie Diaz
Series: Buddie Tumblr Prompts [12]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1528010
Comments: 8
Kudos: 534
Collections: 9-1-1 Tales





	panicked, even though you're here

**Author's Note:**

> So nonnie, this isn't as angsty as I'm sure you probably wanted, but I hope you enjoy it nonetheless. And there's not a whole lot of team being mean in this, because I'm tired of that, lol. Hell, there's not a whole lot of team in this in general? But I still hope you guys enjoy this.

Everything hurt. Not physically -- physically, Buck felt fine. He had just finished a call with the team where a little girl had been trapped underneath her parents car, and physically, he was fine. His outward appearance was perfect, so much so that no one on the team spared him a second glance when they got to the scene (except Athena, but does she count, if she’s not actually on the team, and just team-adjacent, due to marrying Bobby? Buck doesn’t know). But outwardly, Buck was fine, and no one caught on, and everything was fine.

And that’s what he had been going for, when he eventually caught on to the fact that his coping strategies have become worse since his own injuries and mistakes. He knew he needed to talk to someone about how he was feeling, and that usually that someone was Maddie or Eddie, and had once been Abby, and even Ali a little bit (and wow, that was interesting, how their names sounded together like that) but ever since the lawsuit, he felt like he couldn’t go to anyone.

Eddie, because he was still pretty angry, even if he had been forgiven.

Maddie, because she had enough to deal with, what with her own PTSD and therapy.

Abby and Ali, ha, Buck thought. They ran at the first opportunity that they received. 

And if he wanted to be real honest, there was Bobby, who was like a stand in father, but he had enough of his own issues that Buck really didn’t want to unload on the man.

So he kept everything in and hoped that when the day was done, everything would be fine. And usually, everything was fine.

Not perfect, but fine, and Buck could handle that.

But then they had arrived on the scene today, where a little girl was crushed under a car, and all Buck could think about was the pain he felt in his own leg when he was crushed, or how he had been so afraid that he wasn’t going to make it that night and then, once he had, how he was afraid he wasn’t going to get back to work. His mind had been clouded with those thoughts, to the point where he was almost working on autopilot, not realizing that his behaviour was  _ finally _ starting to get some notice from everyone else.

He stuck by the little girl, talking to her in a quiet voice while trying to keep her calm, hoping that in the process of doing so, he was keeping  _ himself _ calm, because he only had himself to count on in this moment. The rest of the call had flown by as Buck held the little girl, whose name was Tiffany, and who had been acting so brave during the entire thing. He had found himself so proud of her and when the car was finally lifted, he had grabbed her immediately, calming her as best as he could while she cried, remembering his own time being pinned.

When she had finally been in the ambulance, all Buck wanted to do was go with her, feeling like he needed the closure of it, but her parents were there, and there was no room and Bobby was holding him back, looking at him carefully while his face flushed in embarrassment. 

“Everything alright, Buck?” Bobby questions and Buck finds himself swallowing nothing but nods his head, trying to smile instead of opening and closing his mouth like a fish out of water -- though he truly wanted to do that. He can see Bobby looking at him still but there’s nothing else he can say so when his captain nods his head, Buck feels relief course through him.

When he finally breaks away from the hand on his shoulder, Buck finishes helping the clean up crew before he makes his way to the truck, ignoring how he’s the last one in and how everyone watches him, closing his eyes as he gets comfortable next to Eddie and tilts his head back. He’s not surprised to feel Eddie’s fingers around his wrist, squeezing, a small smile escaping from him as the truck starts and leaves the scene.

The ride back to the station is long enough that with his eyes closed, Buck finds himself slipping into the memories of being pinned. His heart rate picks up, and he  _ knows _ he’s in the truck -- can feel Eddie’s fingers around his wrist, his thigh pressed against his own. He can hear Hen and Chim talking quietly about how everything’s going with Hen’s IVF situation and he doesn’t need his eyes opened to see Bobby driving, looking at them all through the rearview mirror. 

Despite all of this though, Buck can’t stop himself from seeing the night sky around him, feet in front of him with a bomb attached - a bomb that could go off at any minute due to the person’s discretion, and he can’t move because he’s pinned. He’s stuck, and there’s a bomb, and he’s alone, and he has no idea what he can do about this situation. His heart rate picks up and he can feel sweat dripping down his spine. Try as hard as he might, he can’t move, no matter how much he bends, twists and turns, and a strangled sob ends up escaping from him.

Something squeezes his wrist and Buck doesn’t understand - he shakes his head, tries to breath through the pain he feels, and the panic, because he can’t find anyone and he doesn’t know what to do when there’s a madman with a bomb walking in front of him. 

“Help,” he gasps, eyes fluttering closed as he tries to move, to do anything that means he isn’t a stuck pig. His fingers grasp for some sort of purchase, something to hold onto and there’s  _ nothing _ , and the man with the bomb is getting closer, looking at him and --

“This didn’ hap’en,” Buck slurs, shaking his head. He can feel something shaking him, but he’s too focused on the kid, and the bomb, and the maniacal look on his face.

“Wha---” Buck whispers, eyes widening when he sees the kid release the trigger, a scream escaping from him. Slamming forward, Buck opens his eyes panting, looking around as he spots Eddie kneeling in front of him, the truck empty of everyone else. He’s hot, and he’s cold, and he doesn’t know what has happened, but Eddie’s hands are on his cheeks as he forces Buck to look at him, his mouth moving even though Buck can’t hear a single thing, his ears ringing.

“Eddie…” he whispers after a few minutes, blinking and frowning, trying to figure out what’s going on.

“Hey, buddy, are you back with us?” Eddie asks, fingers running through Buck’s hair in a way that calms him while Buck continues to blink up at his boyfriend. 

“What---” Buck whispers, heart fluttering when Eddie smiles softly at him and then kisses his forehead. Buck closes his eyes, feeling a calm settle through him until Eddie pulls away, his hand going back to Buck’s cheek and caressing it.

“You had a flashback on the drive over, then had a panic attack,” Eddie whispers and Buck finds himself whimpering while Eddie whispers gently to him.

“Everything’s alright, Buck,” Eddie whispers, squeezing his knee while Buck lets out a soft sigh..

“I---” he begins, shaking his head before rubbing his face, noting that his cheeks appear to be wet from tears. 

“I was stuck, on the call, remembering my time under the truck,” Buck eventually admits, Eddie nodding his head. He knows his boyfriend no doubt saw that, but also knew that Buck needed to get through it himself.

“And then you finally relaxed in the truck, and everything came back,” Eddie says while Buck nods, letting out another sigh before looking at Eddie, grateful.

“Thank you for helping me,” Buck whispers, smiling back at Eddie when Eddie smiles at him, laughing lightly after a few minutes. 

“How about we go to the bunks and just cuddle. I think you need some space from everyone, and privacy to talk, and we can pretend we’re at home and just… help you relax,” Eddie suggests, Buck unable to stop himself from leering.

“You gonna break one of your rules for me, babe?” He teases, unable to stop himself from laughing when Eddie turns red and shakes his head, standing up from the truck and jumping out.

“Maybe,” he responds, winking, Buck sputtering as his eyes widen and he follows, heart pumping fast inside his chest while the team watches them head to the bunks, knowing that things are alright for now, all because Buck has Eddie.

**Author's Note:**

> come yell at me on my tumblr, @ smartbuckley. comments, criticism and love are wonderful.


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